Staying in the hospital for 9 days made me realised how noble nurses are. Since I have nothing to do in the hospital other than lying there waiting to be injected with antibiotics and reading newspapers, I watched the nurses took care of the old aunty in my 4-person shared room. The nurses work 12 hours/day in 2 shifts (7AM-7PM/7PM-7AM) and we complain about working from 8.30AM-5.30PM (or a bit more). Anyway, the nurses were great except when they inject me :( The Dr in charge of me not that nice though. On the 2nd/3rd day I was in the hospital, I had severe diarrhea with terrible stomach cramp at about 5.30AM. The nurses called the Dr and he only came in at 10.30AM! I was in such pain, I couldn't sit, lie down or stand. All I could do was squat beside my bed clutching my stomach and stopping myself from fainting after what seemed like 20times of running to the toilet. The Dr I see in Sg responds to my SMS almost immediately unless when he's out of the country and provides solutions everytime (which explains why I'm still going back to Sg for consultations although not anymore after this last round). The whole experience actually made me so scared of syringes!
Got discharged on Tuesday and on Wednesday night, I started a 6-day beginners' spiritual course conducted by people from the Art of Living Foundation. In the 4 nights and 2 full-day course, we learned some yoga, principles of life, breathing techniques and had some interaction games. It was an overall a good experience as it taught us to relax and re-construct our views on life. I didn't finished the last part of the course as I had to catch the plane to Singapore on Sunday afternoon.

Then, I was in Singapore WITHOUT my laptop for 3 days 3 nights (misery cause got nothing else to do there). I had to use the computer in the Science library to check emails and book my return flight to Penang -_-". Had CT scan and blood tests done on Monday and then went back to my old place in Clementi to take the remaining stuffs (but STILL left a few stuffs there!sigh...). Saw Dr on Tuesday. No good news anymore. The tumors seemed to be resistant to the chemotherapy and had not reduce in size at all. There was even hint of the tumors progressing but my Dr said he would take the result as "stable". He then laid out the options for me.

1. Continue with chemotherapy but with a different regimen which will still give me bad side effects but may be different ones. He wrote down 3 regimen options, each with equal response rates but different side effect profiles. However, the response rate expected will not be as high as before (which was 50-60%). This time, it is only about 20%. If I were to proceed, I need to have blood transfusion because my red blood cells were very low (which explains my constant tiredness)

2. Take a 1-month chemo break and then do blood test again before proceeding with the new chemotherapy regimen. By doing this, I will not need the blood transfusion but instead let my body regenerate the red blood cells. This option also allows me to take a break from the terrible side effects of chemo. However, there is a risk that my liver functions will deteriorate in this period and thus resulting in not being able to administer the new chemo even if I want to.

Before he continued further, the Dr asked whether there is a possibility that I will ever consider chemo again. If I insist NEVER ever to have chemo again, then there is no point in going back to get my blood tests done. He went on to describe the situation of never doing chemo ever again as "the knife is already here (motioning with his hand the action of hand as knife behind the neck), it's coming down any moment, we don't know when but we are just waiting for it to come down" Scary description? You bet!

I said I don't know whether I would consider chemo again but I might. And that he said is "giving ourselves a chance". As he went on and on about this and that, tears started welling in my eyes. I was really scared at that moment. Things had gone worse :(

Anyway, not elaborating further, I decided to take the 1-month chemo break (which the Dr said isn't his favourite thing but that's life) and will be back for consultation on 10th July. I am 110% not ready for any chemo at that moment. I am terrified.

After letting out some fear in me through tears, I was actually strong enough to go back to NUS Science library to book my flight back home and then made my way to Vivocity to watch a movie. Met up with Thundercat at Vivocity Pacific Coffee to chat and "celebrate" her birthday with a piece of Tiramisu.HeHe... Then, we watched Accuracy of Death (or Sweet Rain: Shinigami no Seido) starring Takeshi Kaneshiro as Grim Reaper (or Shinigami) who decides whether someone should die after spending a few days with that person. It's a really nice movie and funny too. If you love Takeshi Kaneshiro, all the better :) (I'm not a big fan of him but I like Japanese movie and this movie had not been scheduled to be shown in Malaysia yet. So, I had to catch it while it's still showing in Sg).

Left Sg on Wednesday and in this one whole week since I'm back from Sg, I had been exercising in the morning, breakfast with parents, make and drink vegefruit juice, sleep, watch tv,eat, read, sleep. Basically a different life from what I had lived all these while. Good or bad? Sometimes good, sometimes bad...

That's life

Will be going for a 4-day advanced course (a continuation from the beginners' Art of Living course) in Cinta Sayang Resort, Sungai Petani. Back on Sunday :)