Friday, March 21, 2008,9:00:00 PM
I did it! -_-"
Yesterday night.I vomited.Tears dropped down.Nothing to be proud of.so sad.
But I am Ok now.
Lab test on Monday.FYP presentation on Saturday.
Another lab test on following Monday.Poster up on Tuesday.FYP Symposium on Wenesday.
CT Scans on the same Monday.See Dr on poster Tuesday.Chemo on symposium Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Yay! April!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008,8:45:00 PM
Hmmm
So sick of being nauseated. but still have Jap food craving. --"
no raw food= no sashimi. no raw sushi. Argh!
i like Japanese rice.i like Japanese fish.i like miso soup with clams.
i like omu rice!
i like yakitori!
i like Japanese bento set.
i like mochi!
I miss Japan.
Did not do much today.Slacked.
nausea will go away tomorrow.how do i know?i'm demanding it to leave.
i'm going psychotic.
It's so bad, you will wish you can just vomit out everything... But what is there to come out if it's even harder to put things in?
It's so bad that everything you eat feels like they are stuck at the throat. and going nowhere.you wish you can get it out of your system by shitting but there's just nothing.
It's so bad that no food can ease it.no smell or taste can make you feel like eating.nothing.
It's worse when your mom puts in so much effort to cook something you can look at or smell without puking but you just can't put in the same amount of effort to eat them.
It's bad.
It's very bad when the whole range of anti-emetics are being thrown at you and you still can't cope with the nausea.
I HATE NAUSEA!
Sunday, March 16, 2008,8:32:00 PM
Thanks to the internet
Last movie I watched in the cinema was "The Warlords" with my dad... not the best father-daughter bonding session but we BOTH love watching movies.. So, it's the best activity :)
Just finished watching these few movies... Some are rather old... Some nicer than the others.... (1st 3 nicer than the last 2..HeHe)
Want to watch "American Gangster" and "Charlie Wilson's War" after pharmacotherapy test on Tue --" oh.. and "Sweeney Todd" (long overdue)...
Friday, March 14, 2008,8:34:00 PM
THE long story
So here goes... to the maybe 10 readers of this blog, I think about 2 do not know what exactly happened to me...
don't think you don't matter to me if you do not know this... it may just be that I had not talked to you on MSN recently or met you recently... or your parents know my parents and my parents are not too comfortable getting questioned yet...
Well, this "condition" (as my pharmies coursemates and I had been thought to say to patients) that I have, or "diagnosis" as my oncologist puts it or "dis-ease" as the Healing Transformation guru I nearly called if not for the price tag of S$400 for 3 sessions...
It all started last semester when I had this terrible, more annoying than painful pain all around my abdomen... Sometimes it got so bad I thought I would faint from the pain... Being a stressed out pharmacy undergraduate (sometimes it's not good to know too much that you tend to self-diagnose), I thought it was just gastric problem. But the weird thing was the pain was more on the left side where the most prominent organ is only pancreas. Self-medicated for the whole semester and survived the final exams....
All's well till I went home for the December holidays and the pain came and went. Since I was free anyway, went to consult a GP and told him my self-diagnosis (wrong thing to do!). GP did not even palpate(check by pressing) my abdomen or anything and just gave me gastric meds to take for a week. If condition did not improve, got to see a specialist. One week passed and the pain got so bad on that Sunday I think my parents were starting to get rather panicky.
Saw the internal organ specialist I see about once a year for routine blood test for this genetic disease that's in the family called "Wilson's Disease" (I could have directed you to a wikipedia page but this is a more medical-like.. =P). The moment he palpated my abdomen, he gave me a grave look and sent me to get an ultrasound in the other room. The Dr doing the ultrasound is even "better"! She gave me this very very worried look and told me there are dark areas all over my liver, suggestive of tumors... o_O
She sent me back to Dr with the scans and Dr immediately referred me to Lam Wah Ee Hospital (LWEH)in Penang Island. Dr even asked me to be prepared to be hospitalised immediately. My dad was paranoid! I was not surprisingly cause the whole thing had not set on me YET!
That Monday afternoon (weirdly, I only remembered the days, not dates...), my dad, younger sister and I went to see the Dr in LWEH... did a whole stretch of blood tests... The person at the blood lab counter even asked me whether I was sure I needed so many different kind of tests cause they cost A LOT! Well, how would I know, the Dr ordered them -_-"
Got a chest X-ray done the very same day followed by a CT scan where I had to drink this unpleasant drink (the contrast) so that the organs are more viewable in the scan. Hospitalised that very night. My very FIRST time being hospitalised in my entire 23 years + of existence...
Was in the hospital for about 4 days I think.. Got a gastroscopy done (totally NOT pleasant!)... I was awake throughout and saw my stomach and all.. Nothing in there...
I did a nasopharyngeal scope (through the nose to the throat) before in NUH about 1+ years ago (very much more pleasant than the gastro one)...
Got a liver biopsy done. This was the WORST ever! Still have the scar... Got discharged the day after.
After the terrible episode in LWEH, the liver specialist I was initially referred to in LWEH referred me to the oncologist. The oncologist referred me to Selayang Hospital in KL. I was still rather hopeful that the situation was not as bad as it seemed. But all evidences proved otherwise. The oncologist fell short of saying it's Stage IV liver/ pancreatic (somehow the Drs couldn't agree on one) cancer, instead he said it's Stage III *hesitated while checking his PDA*, well should be Stage IIIb. If you are not familiar with these terms, Stage I is the one with the best outcome and Stage IV is the WORST. My dad tried to be strong and told me it might not be as bad. The Dr in Selayang may be able to help.
Having worked for 6 weeks in the National Cancer Center Singapore and studied oncology pharmacotherapy, I knew what it all meant at that moment. It was as bad as it could get. But it was just a far thing in my mind as if it was not happening to me but to someone I was watching.
It was 24th December 2007 (Xmas Eve).
With such bad news about my condition, there came another blow in the form of the insurance claim. Somehow, my insurance could not cover all my medical expenses due to the change to a new policy which needed some time to take effect. And that some time were only a few days AFTER i got admitted into LWEH. I do not know about the details. I was numbed from all these.
My dad bought 2 bus tickets to KL for 26th December.
First few people outside the family I informed were my housemates in 404. They were almost like my family away from home and they had to know. The pharmer gang was next informed and so was Suwan...
Swei helped tremendously in getting contacts in Sg and checking out all the prices and other possible ways... and also to inform the Pharm Dept. The Head of Dept was away, the 2 lecturers who work in Cancer Center in NUH and NCCS were away too.
One thing led to another, the next thing I know, I was heading to Sg without stopping by at Selayang Hospital. We stopped at KL and immediately bought bus tickets to Sg. It was one of my life's longest bus journey that day. I was tired mentally and physically. I was totally numb.
The pharmer girls who were in Sg were GREAT... The practically helped me arranged things and we met up with Assistant HOD the very next day where he helped to contact the pharmacist in NUH. and this great pharmacist successfully arranged for an appointment with the oncologist the very next morning. Meanwhile, Swei also got me an appointment to meet this private practitioner at Mount Elizabeth Hospital in Orchard that very afternoon. Off we went to see this very nice surgeon at Mt E. After looking through my scans and blood tests, he suspected it might not be liver/ pancreatic cancer but neuroendocrine cancer... well, there are many kinds and if it's hormonally-responsive it has better prognosis (not mine though). Had a late lunch @ Orchard (I remembered this cause since then I had not stepped foot on Orchard yet... )
Finally got to see the oncologist at NUH on 28th December 2007 (Friday)... Went through the scans and options etc.
And he gave us the weekend to seriously consider whether to have treatment in Sg or back in Pg. His rationale, the drugs in Sg and Pg are the same. Drugs are drugs. They are made by the drug companies. During very difficult times like this, I may need family support back in Pg more than anything. Financially, it was another problem. Treatment in Sg meant high cost even if the drugs were the same... If I was to decide to have treatment in Sg, the appointment was set for Wednesday (2nd January 2008)................
Thus started the longest few days in my life... the most torturous few days in my life.... for me and everyone around me...
*phew*
It's getting a little tiring to type all these... (considering today is Day 4 of my 4th cycle of chemotherapy)
To cut the long story short,
2nd Jan: I was back in NUH. Got the plan out and admitted into the ward. Repeated CT scans showed tumor had grew in that few short days.
3rd Jan: Repeated gastroscopy (I was given Fentanyl and Diazepam, so was woozy throughout but could still roughly see my stomach... ) followed by colonoscopy (the optical scope goes up the other way round... through the anus... I was awake the whole time... Not pleasant but not as bad as the gastroscope in LWEH)...
The oncologist (Dr Ben) came in the afternoon and confirmed the diagnosis- Neuroendocrine tumor (poorly differentiated) with metastasis.
5pm- Started my FIRST cycle of chemotherapy. 2 drugs on Day1 followed by 1 drug on Day 2 and Day 3, rest... 21-day cycle.
4th Jan: Day 2 of chemo, parents met Dr Ben.
6th Jan: discharged with slight nausea...
23rd Jan: 2nd cycle of chemotherapy
20th Feb: More than 21 days after the previous chemo due to low neutrophil count. 3rd cycle of chemo
12th March: 4th cycle of chemo
So much happened in between all these dates... Moved out of the Clementi place back to hostel on campus. Seen the school counsellor.
And not to mention buckets of tears in between....
More on the psychological aspect in following posts... Time for prayers :)
Monday, March 10, 2008,7:30:00 PM
graze :)
Photos from Thursday evening chill session @ Graze, 4 Rochester Park...
Upon entrance, the waitress asked whether we were having dinner or just drinks...
Drinks- and we were directed to the area under the nice white canopy and nice sofa seats...
nice hangers in the toilet ... =P The toilet itself is rather nicely furnished actually...
My "pussy foot" mocktail with Thunder's "Grazing Smile" mocktail and Popcorn Chicken... very old school lamp on the side table...
Giant white screen on one side of the open area showing this old Audrey Hepburn movie.. She is really pretty... with impossibly small waist...
The Drinks place has 2 of these half-covered bed-like huge sofas ( bed-like cause you could almost sleep in it.. ) with many cushions to hug... We hogged one of it for such a long time =P
Well, Graze is really a nice place... but the price is a little high... plus 17% tax.. -_-"
On Friday, the gang came over to visit me + cookies-baking + watch geyao performance in "Super Snack"... and we played mahjong...
On Sunday, WX and XH came to visit in the afternoon... and we played mahjong.... in the evening, WS, HY and KY came to visit... and we played mahjong... =P
Dr's appointment tomorrow.. x(>.<)x
Saturday, March 08, 2008,8:37:00 PM
Malaysia Election Day 2008
This post is not about Election but just heard that my home state, Penang got taken over by the Opposition! :o
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There are many things that I particularly like.. I was looking for a new blogskin. Not for this blog but was thinking of opening a new blog... to separate the normal things and the abnormality I'm going through now. Well, being the lazy me, this new blog may not be successful. But looked at many blog skins anyway. And I found this particularly attractive. Not really the "see me fly" nor the lyrics scribbled on it. But I like hot air balloons. Especially the colourful ones! And I like old looking testpads with those lines... Nice :)
Anyway, it was a terrible week... FYP final report due on Wednesday and my supervisor had not read our first draft even at 4PM Monday. Finally got some feedback from him on Monday evening and rushed the report for the whole of Tuesday and Wednesday morning. Thanks to my great skill in forgetting things, I shed tears on Wednesday morning! Tears of panic and pain... The other time I ever cried over schoolwork was in Sec 4, a day before my Physics exam cause me and Physics just dont click...
Well, I woke up at 6+AM on Wednesday and started my final edit on my FYP report around 7AM................................... ALL the way till 10AM (was supposed to meet Thunder to print the reports at 1030AM @ Central Library). Satisfied with my final report, I proceeded to make the content page by this autoformat thingy I just learned the night before. BIG MISTAKE! The AutoFormat just couldnt get my contents up properly. So, I finally decided to manually count the page to make the content page. And started clicking "Undo". That's when disaster striked. Accidental over-click of the Undo button resulted in failure to re-do. I successfully UNDO EVERY SINGLE LITTLE EDIT THAT I MADE SINCE 7AM! and I DID NOT SAVE along the way. Greatness!
So, in panic-stricken voice I called Thunder and cried. But I rebound in like 3 minutes and furiously started to re-edit whatever I remembered from the morning effort. Done in 1 hr and sped over to Central Library to print and bind the 4 copies of reports. Just in time for lunch. -_-"
Wednesday night was spent mugging for Top 88 Drug Quiz the next day. Imagine cramming information of near 30 drugs in a night. Not Possible!
Swei suggested to go somewhere to "chill" on Thursday night.
Option 1: One Rochester (alcohol! no no... but there's mocktail)
Option 2: Clarke Quay (too far.. tired...)
Option 3: Dempsey Hill (very excited about this cause I was craving for Ben & Jerry's ice cream and there's a new outlet there! big, nice outlet with a cute van in front! But difficult to get there, unless I have a car...)
Ended up at Rochester Park cause it's the nearest but One Rochester was booked for a private function... So, we "chilled" at Graze! a few bungalows down... The restaurants and bars in Rochester Park were all bungalows but converted into the different restaurants and bars now.. Some are still in the process of converting..
No photos from the night yet cause Swei has not sent. But this one above is a collage done by Swei for me :) The first corner actually showed the place's name but cannot be seen due to poor quality of my camera phone. top, right is WX, bottom left is Swei's leg and bottom right is me drinking fruit punch + milk :)
Everybody had mocktail and Swei had tea!
That photo is the 3rd in the series of nice photos Swei gave me. The above is for CNY.
This was the first and my favourite. Very beautiful day. It's on my wall now and I see it every morning to remind me that it is a BRAND NEW DAY and to 感恩每一天！
From 09/02 and they still remember I love this bear. Thanks, ppl!
Sunday, March 02, 2008,8:18:00 PM
Interested?
What have all these things have in common?
They are all WHITE!
and they are all from IKEA!
I own a set of these things... and I need to get rid of them by mid-May... Anyone in Singapore interested in getting these things? I can give them away.. I think... or you can pay me a sum of money?
Or I can give them to the housemates if they want, but I doubt so.
Anyway, descriptions of the items below (and their original prices quoted):
table
VIKA AMON/CURRY
$45.00
The feet protect the floor against scratches. White foil/whjte lacquered steel.
L100xW60, H73.5cm.
Designer: IKEA of Sweden
drawer unit on castors
GOLIAT
$59.00
Drawers with drawer stop. Particleboard with fibreboard drawer bottom.
W42xD40 cm, H58cm.
Designer: IKEA of Sweden
Chair
HERMAN
$19.00
Stackable to save space when not in use. Durable, easy care quality. Polypropylene seat/ lacquered steel legs.
W45xD50, H78cm. Seat H44cm.
Designer: Ola Hermansson
Work lamp
ESPRESSIVO
$15.90
Adjustable shade and telescopic arms. Aluminium/plastic.
Base Ø12cm.
Lab test on Monday.FYP presentation on Saturday.
i like Japanese rice.i like Japanese fish.i like miso soup with clams.
i like omu rice!
i like yakitori!
i like Japanese bento set.
i like mochi!
Upon entrance, the waitress asked whether we were having dinner or just drinks... 
nice hangers in the toilet ... =P The toilet itself is rather nicely furnished actually...
My "pussy foot" mocktail with Thunder's "Grazing Smile" mocktail and Popcorn Chicken... very old school lamp on the side table...
Giant white screen on one side of the open area showing this old Audrey Hepburn movie.. She is really pretty... with impossibly small waist...
The Drinks place has 2 of these half-covered bed-like huge sofas ( bed-like cause you could almost sleep in it.. ) with many cushions to hug... We hogged one of it for such a long time =P 
Anyway, it was a terrible week... FYP final report due on Wednesday and my supervisor had not read our first draft even at 4PM Monday. Finally got some feedback from him on Monday evening and rushed the report for the whole of Tuesday and Wednesday morning. Thanks to my great skill in forgetting things, I shed tears on Wednesday morning! Tears of panic and pain... The other time I ever cried over schoolwork was in Sec 4, a day before my Physics exam cause me and Physics just dont click...
No photos from the night yet cause Swei has not sent. But this one above is a collage done by Swei for me :) The first corner actually showed the place's name but cannot be seen due to poor quality of my camera phone. top, right is WX, bottom left is Swei's leg and bottom right is me drinking fruit punch + milk :)
That photo is the 3rd in the series of nice photos Swei gave me. The above is for CNY.
This was the first and my favourite. Very beautiful day. It's on my wall now and I see it every morning to remind me that it is a BRAND NEW DAY and to 感恩每一天！
