I woke up late this morning maybe cause I was drained out yesterday. The first thing I did was to jump up from my bed and on my computer. Without taking a breath, I signed in MSN to check my hotmail. I wrote an email yesterday night, after thinking for the whole day and discussing with YJ. He even gave me some poetic lines to start my email with. I finally decided to put in all my questions and thoughts into the email and hopefully get an answer. I told YJ I don't want to leave this feeling bitter and I want to clear my doubts before I can be at peace with myself. I wrote, deleted, wrote and deleted. It was harder than I thought. I read and re-read to make sure what I want to know are all inside the email. Although I did not expect a reply, I hoped there would be one.
This morning, there was only 1 email in my inbox and it was THE reply. It was as long as my email itself as answers to each of my questions were stated out. After reading it about 3 times, there is a weird mixture of feelings inside me. Can I really be at peace now that I had cleared my doubts? Can it all go back to normal now? I found out that I actually knew what had gone wrong! I found out what is the problem with me, something that I had not fully accept myself because nobody had confirmed my suspicion about it. Then I realised, these are lessons in life. Each lesson makes me understand myself more. I want to be a good person to everyone, and maybe in the process had tried to conceal too much of my own feelings. I am scared of commitment and yet I want to feel the sense of belonging. Maybe I am such a confused soul who had yet to learn enough lessons in life.
What am I going to do next?
I guess it's time to end this life tutorial continue to the next class...
